Why I Paused My Career for Motherhood, and Why I'm Coming Back

Three years of silence

It's been almost three years since I last showed up online. I've started this post more times than I can count, and deleted it just as often.

If we haven't met yet, I'm Tima Deryan. Some of you know me as Mountain Gipsy. I climbed the Seven Summits, skied to the South Pole and have stood on more than 35 mountains around the world. Before I went quiet, I was on stages delivering keynotes, running corporate workshops, writing my third children's book, growing my brand Feministiya and slowly building the career I had always dreamed of.

And then I got pregnant.

The plan I had

I really thought I could do it all. Be pregnant, scale my little business, keep climbing, keep my routine. I'm someone who has trained for altitude and pushed through days on the ice, so how hard could pregnancy be?

Harder than I expected. I was tired all the time. Some days I pushed through to get just one thing done, and other days I couldn't even do that. I didn't enjoy being pregnant, and I felt more limited than I ever had on a mountain.

Still, I had a plan. I'd give my baby my full attention for the first four months. Then she'd go to nursery, sleep in her own bed, and life would carry on as before, just with a little one alongside me. Maybe she'd even feed herself by then, who knows.

The moment someone pressed a button

Little did I know. The moment my daughter Kiyana was placed on my chest, it was like someone pressed a button. Everything I thought motherhood would look like for me went straight out the window.

The emotions were overwhelming. I wanted to give her the world. Suddenly nothing else felt as important as her, and I couldn't understand how I had ever imagined caring about my career more than my child.

Four months came and went, and she was still so tiny. I couldn't picture her sleeping alone in a bed, let alone leaving her at nursery. We cuddled day and night. I never thought I'd be the kind of mother who wants to be 10000% present, but I was.

Saying no, and the fear of falling behind

Last year I turned down more than 10 opportunities. Talks, workshops, projects I would have jumped at before. Every time, I'd think about it day and night and tell myself I had to go back. But something inside me just couldn't. And every time I said no, I felt relief.

That relief didn't stop the fear, though. I'd look around and see everyone moving ahead while I was at home teaching my daughter how to talk, how to walk and everything in between. I questioned what my future would look like when she no longer needed me as much, and I dreaded that feeling.

If you're a mother who has stepped back from work, I think you know this tug of war. Your heart is exactly where it wants to be, and your mind keeps whispering that you're being left behind. Both feelings are real. Neither one makes you a bad mother or a less ambitious woman.

The North Pole had other plans

After 13 months of breastfeeding, it was time to stop, and for the first time in almost two years my body felt like mine again. So I decided to chase the last piece of my Explorer's Grand Slam and ski to the North Pole, then rebuild my career from where I had stopped.

The North Pole had other plans. It was closed.

Fine, I thought, I'll focus on my career instead. A week later I found out I was pregnant again.

My emotions were all over the place. I knew I wanted a second baby, just not that soon. I missed doing what I love: speaking, coaching, creating, connecting. I told myself that this time I'd do things differently. But it was clear from the start that being pregnant while running after a toddler was a whole new mountain.

So I made a different choice. I stopped trying to execute everything and focused on keeping my mind alive instead. I read, I studied, I kept learning about the work I love, without pressure to deliver.

My heart didn't divide. It grew.

Earlier this year, my son Kai was born, and that same button was pressed all over again.

I had wondered if I could ever love another child the way I love Kiyana. Then I held him on my chest for the first time and I had my answer. All of it came back, the same pull to slow down, to hold him close, to be fully there.

So yes, I chose my kids over my career. Twice. Not because I had to, but because I wanted to.

I didn't do it alone

While I carried our children, my husband carried me. Every emotion, every doubt, every inner conflict. On the days I felt lost and scared, he reminded me who I am and kept telling me I would come back. He really knew me so well.

I share this because so many women go through this season feeling alone. Having someone who holds on to your identity while you're busy holding everyone else makes all the difference.

What motherhood taught me about leadership

The mountains taught me a lot about leadership. Resilience, preparation, trusting your team when the weather turns. Motherhood taught me the rest.

Presence. A child knows instantly when you're only half there. So do the people you lead. I learned to put the phone down and truly listen.

Compassion. For my children, and finally for myself. I stopped measuring my worth by how much I produced in a day. That softness made me stronger, not weaker.

Patience with growth. Teaching a child to walk means watching them fall a hundred times and believing in them every single time. Real growth in people and in teams looks exactly like that.

Choosing your priorities with intention. Saying no to more than 10 opportunities taught me that every yes costs something. Clarity about what matters most is one of the most powerful tools a leader can have.

These lessons are now at the heart of how I coach. Whether I'm working with a leader in transition or a team facing its own summit, I bring both the mountain and the mother with me.

My dreams never died in those three years, they only grew. Motherhood changed me in ways I never imagined, and I'm coming back with a much stronger purpose and my little family behind me.

I've been quietly preparing for this next chapter, and I can't wait to show you what's coming. If you'd like to follow along, you can find me on LinkedIn and Instagram, or come back here to the blog.